Not too long ago, I was suffering from depression and anxiety due to certain events in my childhood. First of all, I’d like to point out that recovering from both of these disorders, does not make you “never depressed/always happy”. Even people without disorders are never “24/7 happy”. This is an important thing to realize. As for me, I had a psychologist who taught me to recognize my triggers and to switch to an other reaction. I’m happy with the way my life is at the moment, but i’m not all-smiles-everyday. And that’s perfectly fine. Today’s post is an intro and the first part of me sharing my experiences.
A psychologist does not “fix” you.
So my story started around age 9 or 10. Without knowing, my own thoughts were slowly putting me into a depression and turned me into a girl that was literally scared of almost anything; from the choices I had to make to the activities I felt I had to do. And to be honest, I’m still scared of a whole lot of things.. ^^” Anyway, so with every little thing there was a “but what if..” and “is my input good enough?” in my head back then. Eventually I got older (duh, that’s what happens when time passes xD) but the nasty feelings did not leave. However, I chose to ignore it. I was determined to pretend it was not there and I’d wait for it to magically disappear. But as you guys might know, magic does not exist. Consequently, the anxiety and depression did not disappear. And although I pretended it wasn’t there, it was actually affecting every single part in my life. I think ignoring it might’ve made it even worse.
Sometimes your best solution is not THE best solution.
When I hit my 18th lifeyear, I met someone whom I thought to be everything I needed. I put him on a pedestal while, in my head, I was stomping myself deeper and deeper into the ground. And although in the back of my head I felt like something was missing, I didn’t feel like I was worthy of a better significant other. So this went on for years. Long story short, he, and everything around him turned out to be all the things I didn’t need. This might sound bitter, but I really am not: Everything that happened during those years made me who I am today. All the mistakes I made back then, taught me the right ways to deal with things now. I just want to show he wasn’t the right person for me, but I was too caught up to to see I deserved better. The monster in my head was telling me this was my life and this was all I’d get so I better be grateful for it. However as I started “getting better” I realized I’m a strong person just on my own and I can do and achieve anything I want.
Never downgrade yourself. Even when you make mistakes, you’re just a human being.
So basically I’m happy for all the things that happened and I’m indifferent to those who were not the right people for me to have in my circle. I’ve forgiven each and every one of them, but I decided I will solely surround myself with the right people: the people I care about and who actually care about me too. The most difficult part was to forgive and move on. Lindy from Bubzbeauty once stated in one of her videos we need to be able to let the other person be happy in order to feel happy. Translating that to a forgiving mind:
Although you’ve hurt me, I wish you the best of life.
So you’re okay with that person finding happiness. And I just love that little piece of advice, because it has helped me so much. Once you make that switch, the grudge disappears in an instant. It’s definitely worth it! Remember, if you chose not to forgive, you’ll hurt yourself more than the other person; your mind will be occupied by yet another thing, which is mentally (and sometimes even physically) unhealthy. In addition to her advice I’d like to add that to be able to let go and to move on we should realize that our own happiness can’t be affected by that person’s happiness. Simply because that person does not matter anymore. So although we wish them happiness, we don’t let our state of happiness be changed by theirs. Don’t be “happy” when the other’s not and don’t be sad when the other is. When we put it like that it sounds so simple, but let me tell you it’s definitely not easy. The key is to constantly remind yourself. And after a while, you’ll find it comes naturally.
Habits are created when you force yourself to do it for 21 days straight.
Currently, I still feel like I have so much to learn, but I can also feel I’ve grown so much better this year: I’m a strong person who knows she can do whatever makes her happy. Furthermore, I have a loving, caring and patient boyfriend and I live in a beautiful appartment. On top of that, my interns are great and my supervisors are very happy with my work. And as the cherry on top of the ice cream, I’m surrounded by wonderful friends and family. I learned to simply enjoy my blessed life.
And as for my message for you guys: know your worth and be aware of the environment you put yourself in. We can be selfdestructive, but others can do a whole lot of damage to our life too. However, forgive, let go and move on to give your mind some peace. You will suffer the most by holding grudges. Change your life for the better, because you are worth it! You are the only one blessed to live this life; make it count and start counting your blessings.
Lots of L-O-V-E,